Alejandro Marrero posted: " Art by Emalyn Silvester found on Pinterest A few months ago I decided I'd had enough of medications and their seemingly forever hold on me. I felt reasonably stable but even then I was never much for high doses. However, the doses of my meds still had" Living with PTSD
A few months ago I decided I'd had enough of medications and their seemingly forever hold on me. I felt reasonably stable but even then I was never much for high doses. However, the doses of my meds still had unwanted side effects. I'll go into more details in a following post.
For approximately twenty plus years I've been on Psyciatric medications. I can blame the ignorant doctors who prescribed them at family members requests or life's circumstances. Still, what's the point?
I was determined to do things the right way. So in July I spoke with my doctors and cut my medication dosages by fifty percent. Holy, wow. I thought it was right and I committed to it. I even told my close friends that I may not be myself for a while as personality changes happen when you get off the meds. Luckily I found out who were the good friends through the experience. You'd be surprised how insensitive people are to those of us with a medical disorder.
Around the sixth week I'd not only lost a few friends but even I was able to notice my medical condition rearing it's head like a roar. Sleeplessness led to straight up sloth. My anxiety attacks went from every other day to daily. I now have the lowest tolerance threshold for stress in four years. A knock on the door, a piece of paper on a table instead of put away, a dirty sink, my dog barking, sounds of traffic, large crowds, a notification from the calm app of all things could set me off. Any change in routines was felt threefold. Ugh and my mind went to some dark dark places. Places I won't give energy to by writing or voicing. I was and am a mess. Yet, I'm making an effort. I
I'm doing sleep hypnosis to help with insomnia, I'm having tea to settle my stomach, I'm trying to have more vitamins and drink more water. I've even stopped having the occasional glass of wine. Trying to be straightedge is the goal. I've been walking. Not nearly enough but it's happening. I'm gardening in winter. Plants make me happy.
Today or rather late passed the witching hour I'm completely off two meds. I did it. Sadly, I haven't slept well and everything hurts and I shake a lot. I guess what's good about that is that I'll lose some weight.
In three weeks I'll be off all the meds except for Xanax. Truth is with my rising panick attacks and suffering I really can't cope well without a fast acting medication that's sadly a benzodiazepine. I want to give that up too but I want to survive my very fragile mental state.
I'm going to sleep now. Well, I'm going to read basically and try to anyhow. Let's see how that goes. Slowly my body chemistry will be more balanced going further after I'm off everything completely. I hate that I'm so weak and filled with worry. Yet, I have New Years resolutions that I'm determined to keep. Yoga, meditation, gym, gardening, reading and more writing. Hopefully with some Zen I'll eventually adjust and heal. I know I'm reversing back to being in physical and emotional pain but I also think it will be worth it to be med free and busy myself up with good habits.
Anyways, I thank my lucky stars for my husband. He's my world and his patience and hard work makes everyday easier than he'll ever truly know. How someone can love my broken mess self is insane but it's true and I'll hold onto that love forever.
No comments:
Post a Comment