It was one of those days when my mom would open the door to my room and ask me: "how's the job hunt going?"
I sigh. I feel like a meme at this point.
The question, although simple, bears the entire weight of the world on my shoulders. It seems I, unknowingly, started carrying our generational problems.
No, this isn't an avenue to discuss that. I remind myself of that everytime.
My explanation about not finding a full time job will not suffice. She would just nod in understanding but you just know she wasn't happy with the answer.
Sometimes the desperation will come to me during my most hormonal moments and I would cry for hours. Even days. Even while finishing a project.
What if you just leave everything to God?
A friend asked me this question not too long ago. It quickly brought me back to my high school days when I was too anxious about my future.
Not much has changed.
The question still leaves a sting.
What can God possibly do in situations that are clearly man-made?
Will He/She/They strike a match and burn the War Machine and its enablers? Will they put a stop to this system of exploitation?
Of course, that will not happen. Annoyed as I am with that question, I cannot fault my friend. Her suggestion came from a good place, I hope. She has that Christian optimism that I learned to let go years ago. Not that it's bad, it's just individualistic in nature.
My mom always says that God must be annoyed with the prayers and pleas already. She prays for me a lot. She prays that I will find my footing and maybe be a little more successful than she was in life.
God is no feudal lord. Despite whatever these religions may say, God does not grant wishes to those who were loyal or those who pray more fervently or those who accepted Jesus Christ as the Savior. And regardless, it's not God who's going to resolve our issues here on land.
I just feel angry. There is so much anger in me not just for the life I could have lived but for my peers and for people around me who are barely making it. This anger worsens when I am reminded of friends who never made it or those who are brave enough to challenge the status quo and paid for it with their lives.
My recent prayers and meditations are all about this anger. I hope that this anger will burn me enough to move forward. To fuel my rage and be more active. To sow kindness in harsh soils. To never conform.
I am so tired of rotting and dying slowly. I need to get rid of the apathy. I have always seen myself in the context of the collective.
May this anger burn me until I no longer feel the need to be aggressive. May this anger keep me warm just until I give my mother the life she deserves. May this anger shield me from thinking that I am running out of time.
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