Early this year, my horoscope predicted that 2024 will be all about reconnection.
Looking back at the first seven months of year and I think I have been doing just that: reconnecting. My mother used to ask about the friends I often talk about. She will be surprised and slightly disappointed when I say I don't know. She tries so hard to hide the dismay.
Unlike my mother, I am a huge introvert. I have social anxiety – extreme social anxiety. I was already in college when I learned the art of faking it until you make it. It is no surprising that I can only count my friends using my fingers and toes.
Reconnection isn't easy. There is always the initial awkwardness tackling topics and memories that we try to bury. How can I talk to this particular person if we cannot talk about this thing that we used to share? Fortunately, conversations come easy when you've known people intimately and life eventually finds a way.
As Millennials in our 30s, conversations seem to gear towards growing older, retirement plans or lack thereof, and the fear of getting hospitalized. Or the worse part: having our parents suffer the effects of old age.
Mama loves to reminisce about her high school friends, often talking about where they are now or how, with a bit of luck, she's living a little better than the rest of them. She doesn't mean it in a bad way. It's just... both of us feel we're running a losing marathon.
Whenever she does this nostalgia trip, my mind will eventually wander to my own circle of rascals. Where are we now exactly? What are we doing with our lives? Short answer: I don't know. None of us know.
In retrospect, I am grateful that we are doing far better than we used to. It seems we all made peace with ourselves by the time we turned 30. We also took on the role of being breadwinners for our immediate and extended family. It wasn't picturesque and none of us wanted to be the responsible ones. But here we are. In a role we loathe.
Funny how life turns out.
I talked to a couple of friends the previous week for a little catch up via text. It's difficult to meet up these days. We all share the struggle of having layers of anxiety and no room to breathe. Bring up the idea of a vacation and everyone will just agree that it's a nice thought. There will be no follow through. After all, we don't have the cash or time to spare. And that's okay. We are no longer living for ourselves, anyway.
Does it make me feel sad that we cannot have the same level of enjoyment other people have? In a way, yes. Does it make me envious? Not really. No. I feel like we have this level of understanding that at the end of the day, none of these worldy pleasures will satisfy us anymore. Maybe because we have done it before already or maybe because we just no longer give a damn. I don't know. It's hard to feel like you're living these days, anyway.
There is a silver lining. I guess there is always a silver lining. It's nice to see these friends become in tune with their spirituality. Karl Marx was right when he said that one quote. A friend messaged me once and we just talked about our existential crisis and how he wants to learn about life beyond what we know. Surely, this isn't really how we're supposed to live? He said.
Becoming breadwinners for our family is exhausting, to put it simply. It feels like escaping prison with every chance of escape is merely an illusion and is easily replaced with another puzzle to solve. No more future planning, we live per day. No more long term goals. We go blindly and hope for the best.
If only there's going to be a massive event that will change our lives.
A humongous asteroid sounds nice right now.
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